I’m always asleep

Published March 14, 2013 by pipsqueak

Get up. Drink coffee. Think the same thoughts you thought yesterday, push away the bad ones like you did yesterday. Check facebook, feel a tiny zip of excitement at the red notification bubbles. They’re like popularity points! Eat a bunch of cookies, mainly out of boredom. Wonder if this will escalate into a habit leaving you obese. Shudder. Go back to the bed you just slept in, open your laptop, and start clicking through articles on the internet. Find a few bits that amuse you, look at pretty pictures, guiltily watch the viral video of Trouble (ft. Yelling Goat) for the 12th time. Haha. The goat sounds like people!

You’ve got a good buzz going, a pleasant comfortable feeling that you avoid denting by reading anything distressing, like Nietzsche or the news. This is your life. It’s very comfortable, with free videos and music to distract you from any unease. You don’t know exactly what you want. You think you are happy, but are unsure exactly what the word means or how it applies to the moment-to-moment tasks of your life.

You’ve heard people talking about how lazy kids these days are, and you aren’t sure whether you agree. You’re not working sundown to sunset on a radish farm in the blistering winter cold. However, you still have to study for hours a day to stay afloat in school.  And doing okay in school, showing good progress in the core classes. This is so that you can get a job. And duh, you want money. You need to have a good house, internet, cool ranch flavored chips- the good things in life. Day to day life contains the same pleasant consistencies (delicious morning vanilla latté! YAYYYY) and unpleasant regularities (math class. UGHHH. amirite?).

And uncomfortable truth, though, is that when you look to see what you are proud of doing, you realize that most of your pride comes from things you didn’t do. You didn’t drop out of high school at 16, you didn’t get hooked on speed and pawn your mom’s earrings, you didn’t shoot up a school. You have achieved it: normality. Here is your glory: you are not infamous. You have done nothing out of the ordinary that is bad.

Your emotions are rarely extreme. A good mood is placid and mildly entertained, a bad mood is “meh,” or worse, the malaise that crescendos late at night when you ask the questions that you avoid when other people ask you. “What am I doing with my life?” If you look back, every day has the same flavor. Sitting around, absorbing internet, playing video games, hanging out with your friends. The days blur together, but seem to be passing faster. You can’t really remember anything particularly exciting that happened in the next day.

You must fight this. You can die far before your actual death if you live this way. Cram every moment with an experience, get your knuckles bloody and your face wet. Pay attention, for the love of god, and if you realize you are feeling nothing and are okay with it, then change something. It’s easy to slurp the saccharine nectar of entertainment and cheap food and lying comatose in your comfort zone, but after the warm buzz recedes, you will have all of the same meaningless consistency. You have experienced nothing. And with this nothing will come the desperate need for comfort. And you will return to sleep.


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